I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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