Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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