he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
