I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
