I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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