apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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