You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
