fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
