I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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