eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
