u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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