last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
There's always time for handjobs
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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