The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
