I think im going to throw up on grandma
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
