I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
