How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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