I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
