dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
