he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
