Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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