Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
