areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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