If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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