Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
