Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Randomize
