I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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