the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
