she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I wear drunk well.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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