Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
