Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
