i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
me + whiskey = a bad person
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
