I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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