she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
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