So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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