why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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