I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
