we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
