I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
