it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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