sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
