Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
