What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
