I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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