The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
