Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Randomize
