strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
