Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
