I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
