Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
