the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
